The nature of depression, and the nature of fear...  Depression to me is the emptiness, the non-feeling: it's not a negative feeling or feeling "low", but rather inability to feel.  It's like when having a very, very sore spot - a bruise, let's say - the pain itself is so profound, that it stops hurting but turns into numbness, which is only occasionally interrupted by a bolt of electric shock of pain... 

For the last few days I'm living in deepening fear, and it turned out that I have rather deep "functional depression" (able to do something in response to direct stimulus, but unable to motivate myself) for a long while now, so five days ago I started taking increased dose of Epilim Chrono (800mg x 2 a day) and double dose of my new antidepressant, Venlafaxine (150mg in the morning).  It's only today that I have first traces of some reaction: how many times I wanted to write down here, and the very task of "jotting down" few thoughts was simply far too much, it was terrifyingly complicated...

And now the combination and culmination of the two: this Thursday, so it's only the 7th of March, I'm going to have the third general anaesthetic this year.  The last surgery was not as 100% successful as the gastro-team hoped, so I'm having total gastroscopy and colonoscopy, to figure out what and where is blocked (or just squeezed into very tiny space - after all, fibromyalgia squeezes everything, intestines including).  At the same time, a second team is going to remove my left toenail, which is covering a serious infection: ever since my previous surgery in February the puss is constantly oozing from under it (now on both sides), and when I change the dressing the smell of rotting flesh is revolting.  Hence, the nail, all the infected tissue + a decent "safety margin" have to be removed.

I'm terrified that after having to stay off my feet, and in particular off the roads (it will be a long time before I get back to driving, if ever), I won't be able to regain the remnants of my independence I still have, and will have to rely on others for everything.  I'm terrified to be left isolated, unable to leave my home except to the garden, unable to just hop into the car and drive - even if for only 10 minutes, but to "change the view", whenever I want.  It was never easy for me to ask - and now I will have to ask every time I need to go see a doctor, and I will be extremely embarrassed making the other person having to wait with me, and waste their time...  And no, I won't be able to afford taxis.  As it is I'm barely getting enough for rent and the bills.  Taxis no longer appear in my world, and I can't see this situation changing as soon as I need it to...  Unfortunately.