It's nearly two weeks now that I can't manage the simple tasks - writing letters, reading documents, staying on top of my shopping needs, 'coordinating' cleaning...  even watching TV or reading some really good books is tiring so much, I can't do it for longer than half an hour in one go.  It just somewhat changes from whatever I'm doing into a growing monster, which is towering above me, ready to crush me flat - my breathing is getting more difficult, and each task is demanding more and more energy and effort to carry out...  I feel nearly too tired to live any more.

Fourth day in a row of fever, nausea, difficulty with eating anything (feel sick after), balance problems, over-average muscles pains, and this most strange of all feeling that when I move my head, my eyes don't seem to follow immediately... I don't know what it is, and to be honest I don't even care any more - just whatever it is, would it ever please stop...

I'm following the test-case for assisted suicide in Ireland.  The retired lecturer suffering for 20+ years with MS... If she wins (and as rare as I pray, I do pray for that mercy for her), I know a certain retired lecturer suffering with what I describe is the exact opposite of MS, who hopes to be able to use the same route when the time is right... fancy that, ha?  But it's next to impossible to understand what does it mean to have constant pain, day and night, when even sleep gives no relief, because the pain wakes you up and makes it too difficult to move and change position into - what you hope - would ease it, but you are far too sore, paralysed with pain, to move...  No, unless you get to that level of pain, please do not tell me - do not tell anybody - that assisted suicide is immoral, wrong, or whatever other rubbish you think you have the right to proclaim.  You don't have any right.  Not until you experience it.  And then pray to whatever deity you pray, that you would never ever experience it yourself.

Complete nightmare: my shoulder is jumping in and out of the joint, the hip bone is cracked (or makes a damn good impression of it, hurting like bloody hell for the last 10 days-two weeks) and the most recent is my lower back, which is so sore, I couldn't get up this morning, I don't plan to get up tomorrow, and furthermore it's long time since I last cried because of the pain...  Despite all the tablets...  Ouch.......

it's not the death that scares me
but the dying
the slow dragging
careful stomping one foot
in front of the other
stiff body refusing to follow the mind
tired mind hopeful to be free
any time now
any time soon

degrading inabilities
to undress to wash and dress
my floor swept by the other
silently when I don't see
let's both pretend it was clean

degrading inabilities
to cook to eat and wash up
the one who constructed a dishwasher
is a hero of my stiff neck
my sore arms my shaking hands

it's the dying that hurts me
not my friend the death

copyrights Nikki Darman, 23.10.2012

Was talking to a friend of mine recently - a somewhat younger girl.  And then it struck me: I started singing a song from the time I was young, one of the early lyric-rock songs, and she looked at me amazed - not with my voice (which is most definitely not what it used to be!), but with the fact that I could 'still remember' the lyrics...  I felt sooooooo much older in this one instant split of a second...

But somewhat proud of myself, that I can still sing without terrifying the living ... [bananas] ... out of everybody!

you of little faith
in love that was
in kiss that separates
day and night
in silent phone
waking me up
in the middle
of the night

     after all this time

     I still eagerly check

     for messages

     as if any of them

     might have come from you

     while your photograph

     smiles at me

     with forlorn look

you of little faith
in love that was

     the vast half
     of my double bed
     the space
     where the mattress
     still cuddles your body
     beside me

me of little faith
in love that won't come back
that never left me
after all this time

copyright Nikki Darman 29.07-23.10/2012
[C.D.]