The last three days passed in a strange daze of 'couldn't-care-less-ing', to the extend that even the dishes managed to pile up in the sink and I wasn't able to put them into the dishwasher.  What's even worse, is that it's only today that I managed to pay the rent: just wasn't able to stay awake long enough to get onto the internet banking and transfer the money. Lame an excuse as it might sound for some, this is exactly as it was.  I had one day - last Thursday - when I managed to stay awake from 10 am to 11 pm; otherwise, for every one hour up I spend 3-4 hours asleep.  And not a healthy, healing sleep at that: pain wakes me up every few hours, but I'm too exhausted to get up, so just try to move and shift to ease it a bit, and fall asleep again for another while.  Have strange dreams thou, very strange.  Last night I had to get up and write one down, or I knew I would continue along the same lines - and I didn't fancy it.

What's tiring when I'm awake is that I keep finding and feeling these lumps - size of ping-pong balls - of hard muscles, hurting as they are, and hurting even more when I start to attack them to break the muscles into something more resembling the 'string' of the muscle fibre, rather than a knot...  Awfully exhausting.

And there is still no legal assisted suicide in Ireland: the brave MS sufferer, who brought her case before the court, lost.  So far.  She might appeal the verdict.  What annoyed me the most was how the judges were 'moved' by her suffering, and how they assured her that should anyone be accused or tried for assisting her, then because of her 'unimaginable pain' they felt the prosecutor 'would take this aspect into consideration'.  Meaning what, may I ask?  That she may ask her partner never to do it, or that her partner is free to help her and the prosecutor would look the other way?  Why can't we decide to be brave for once and put it straight: euthanasia is wrong, because somebody else decides who is to live who is to die.  Assisted suicide is when I decide to commit suicide, and just because I don't have sufficient power in my limbs to administer some fast-acting poison into my bloodstream, or can't take lethal overdose of something - I ask someone else to deliver it to me.  Because if you are fit and healthy, you can do it yourself - but if I'm in constant agonising pain without any chance of ever getting better, then I have to shut up and stick it?  Hello?? Equality???

I do appreciate that some of my 'deeper-beliving' friends may have a problem with the concept of suicide.  But faith is one of these things which I agree to disagree about: I'm delighted for you that you found yours, and that it keeps you happy/strong/etc/etc.  Just accept that you are your own person, and I am me: be delighted for me for who I am, and don't tell me that 'there are miracles', and that all I need is to pray...  We all pray, one way or another.  We all believe, one way or another.  Even lack of religion is a religion.  And right now I really don't feel like analysing my religion (or three of them), or my faith, or lack of any if I so feel.

But I did empty the sink and stacked the dishwasher.  Eventually.