It has been ages since I last wrote...  I had a really rotten summer, with lots of pain, three major kidneys infections, and unyielding functional depression.  Motivating myself to do anything takes much more work and effort than doing it, and it doesn't matter what it is.  The only "activity" I can't wait for is long proper sleep: I manage to sleep very deeply, but wake up every so often with the pain and stiffness "here there and everywhere".

Had another gastric surgery two weeks ago - beforehand, for some four or five weeks, was bleeding quite badly any time I went to the bathroom, so one way or another something had to be done about it.  Was very anxious: the date of the surgery was the 25th anniversary of my mother's death, and we've never really seen eye to eye.  I'm not usually given to such odd thoughts, but this time it was too much of a coincidence for my liking.  Anyway, as usual they removed good few bits, widened what they could and... well, let's put it this way: I don't need to change my diet or anything, the bleeding is gone (for the time-being anyway, added the sceptically pragmatic voice in my head), the "system" seems to work - I should be jumping up for joy.  So why am I not?

Ever since the last general anaesthetic, I feel anxious, on the edge, as if something terrible was to happen any minute.  My dog Jacky must feel it, because she became unusually jealous and possessive of me when others (i.e. the three cats) are around, and demands a lot of one-to-one hugs and cuddles.  And not just that I'm supposed to cuddle her: during the night she makes sure to either hold me - any part of me - with her paws, or lies along me, or cuddles her head into me...  They say that animals can calm you down and it's true: it's only when they are directly beside me that I feel this strange tension in the pit of my stomach, this steel-strong belt around my lungs to ease, and my ears aren't full of the pounding of my heart any more.  I honestly don't know how can people living alone survive fibromyalgia without animals.